Tourist season


After 28 years of owning a business here in Southampton it has come to my attention that there is actually a set of rules followed by some of our summer visitors. I might be the first person to ever write them down on paper, from bits and pieces of information that I have collected over time.

In general, our summer guests and residents are wonderful people and make Southampton the great vacation spot it always has been. The rules listed below do not pertain to those nice folks.

This list is for a few of our weekend invaders who could not care less about what’s going on around them out here. As you read them, I’ll bet the names of some folks you know will start popping into your head. I’m also sure there are many more rules that I have neglected to mention. See how many you can add.

1) The more money your car costs, the more handicapped parking spots you can block parking.

2) You must wait till the cashier has half your items rung up before you realize that while you were talking to your friend on your cellphone, you forgot to buy foofoo latte topping and now you must run and get some, delaying the 13 people behind you on line.

3) The 40 other people on line at 7-Eleven don’t count when you grab your New York Times and hear the clerk at the first register yell “next, please!”

4) The turn lanes on County Road 39 are for sightseeing and you feel it’s much better to slam on your brakes at 50 mph in order to see how crowded a restaurant is.

5) It wasn’t your fault that you ran over four people while rushing to be first at that Saturday morning yard sale—they had no business being on that sidewalk that early anyway.

6) You must stick your cellphone to your ear before trying to back your 6,000-pound SUV out of a spot in a crowded parking lot.

7) Double parking on Jobs Lane at noon on Saturday is fine if the numbers on your Mercedes are 400 or higher.

8) Wearing a lime green spandex Rollerblading outfit really does give you the right of way on all streets in the village.

9) Yes, it’s okay to tell your friends how disgusting you think the Howard Stern radio show is, yet you fight to get the table next to him at dinner on Saturday night.

10) In your book of rules, a car horn is considered a means of communication.

11) Of course, that 25 mph speed limit doesn’t pertain to Porsche owners.

12) Driving back to New York City on Sunday night in the left lane of Sunrise Highway always goes smoother with your left blinker on for 87 miles.

Final thought: On the beautiful East End of Long Island we have small game season, duck and goose season and, of course, deer season. So if it’s tourist season now, why can’t we shoot?


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